P.P.S. I feel like that was very blandishing. I don't mean to adulate you in that way and I want you to know that, even though I hold you in high esteems I don't put you up on a pedestal. Jesus has a pedestal, yours is more of a gratitude and appreciation stepping stone (or a sidewalk curb)...I think it is anyways. Honestly I know I shouldn't give you so much credit but I cant help it. Anyways I just wanted to apologize if it was too adulating and...I don't know, enthusiastically optimistic of your character? Listen to me, I sound like I am writing a formal letter to someone that I wronged...maybe I wont send this after all. I worry too much what people think about me, I know it is wrong and pessimistic and flawed...but I can't help it. Someone (you know them so I won't say who) asked me recently why I think people are so self conscious and I was afraid to answer (to give away that much of myself verbally), so I shrugged and said nothing. After all, I will always be first and foremost "Shy, Silent Sam". But, inside I always answer the questions as much as I can, usually always skeptically. I know, or maybe just want to believe, that God gave us all at least one physical attribute that we can be proud of, for example, he gave me my eyes. I have never seen the beauty everyone seems to see, but I am proud that strangers stop me in stores just to comment on them. To me, they are just blue eyes that get bright when I cry. To me they are the tools we are all supplied with to notice the physical flaws. Yet, somehow, my eyes give me confidence because of the opinions of others. So maybe people are self conscious so that we can be humble...but God knows that we also have to be proud of who he made us, and therefore we are only partially self conscious. If that makes sense. Maybe we aren't self conscious at all, and we are just aware of the imperfections God has brandished us with that we might not put ourselves and each other on pedestals where we don't belong. I definitely am not sure if that last part made any sense...maybe I am crazy (but you already know the answer to that, don't you?) Sometimes I think that we are all crazy, but then I think that if that were true then the word wouldn't have any true meaning, it would be no more significant than the word "normal" or "ordinary," right? What actually defines someone as crazy anyways? Is it just a cruel way of saying "mentally different"? Who cares, right? I don't know, maybe I just think too much. It's odd that all this can come from a single question someone asked in the moment...the scary thing is that these thoughts don't even break the surface of the explosion of inner-webbed thoughts in my mind, just a few that I can actually process in a way that makes sense...sort of...
I don't regret the email I originally sent it just had some very adulating moments that I became self conscious about when I thought about the different ways some things could be taken, not the he will take them that way, because he is so...he just doesn't think like that. It's one of the many things I love about him (not in the way people want or expect though). Maybe I am just too worried about my words. Which is truly a shame, all things considered. I know that when I write fiction I desire the world to read it, but when it is my personal thoughts I can't seem to separate my emotions and my worries from the information needed in order for things to sound the way I want. I get all tongue tied and say something stupid, like asking if peppermint ice-cream is warm or cold...yeah, I did that. I just didn't mean what it sounds like. That doesn't make any sense either...
But one thing is for sure, I am glad I had the sense not to send this to him, it would have been confusing and wasted time for him.
Adulation-overenthusiastic praise.
Sincerely,
SamanthaMarie
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